Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

It’s on my to-do list.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.