Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.