Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?