Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”