Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Would you wear it?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.