Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.