Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
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It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.