Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)