Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]