Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My dating profile:
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.