Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS