Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

satan: not today, microsoft teams

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking