Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Anime is real

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.