Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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WTF IS AN ACRONYM
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that