Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

Britain be like

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

What the dentist sees

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in