[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Happy thanksgiving
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant