[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Beware of fowl play.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I am all good here, 😂😉
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
🤣
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.