Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

When you’re Kinky but poor

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron