Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD