Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Rather alarming headline…
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.