Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
She: I like Cats
He:
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Imma just leave this here…………
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.