Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
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I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
linkedin the good parts
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand