Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I only eat vegetarians.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.