Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me: