Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Yeah. This was me today.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

This is my pinned tweet

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

I beg your pardon?

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.