Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers