Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Woke up against my better judgment again

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”