[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver


[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*


Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.


You know, gas prices really aren’t that bad when you consider that you’re essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.


It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter


My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.


Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.


if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners


My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.