[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home