[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Finally! 😈