Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

happy halloween

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.