Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

I want this so bad

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.