Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Money is the root of all wealth

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person