Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.