Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!