Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

“our sushi is very fresh”

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

How software testing works

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers