Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

New mindset, who dis?

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

His flabber was gasted 😂

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.