[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
let’s discuss
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
house sitting!
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear