Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”