[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I can also cook 😂
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.