@bourgeoisalien

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

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@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@FredTaming

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

@truegritrumble

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

@sarcasticmommy4

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

@bobvulfov

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

@TheRolo

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

@ArfMeasures

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert