*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Thursday Thought.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂