*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Bless you
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
she has a point
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat