*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?