Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

We know he can swim but…

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

the answer was staring at me all along

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.