Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

lmfao come on

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.