[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?