[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
The Weeknd is back
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Solving a traffic jam
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato