[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Called it
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
hi why am I like this
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.