Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.