It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe