Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
what idiot called it arrogant homeowners struggling to complete an air sealing project after watching YouTube videos and not caulk suckers
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
