Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Saw online –
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
