Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
sigh
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
2 years later
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
