Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
