Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I am a gravy boat captain
😂🤣😂🤣
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Limited budget
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
