Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

your elf on the shelf was delicious

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!