Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”