Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*