Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Baking is just science you can eat.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Life is a suicide mission.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”