A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
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explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*