[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
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Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
mandolin: finally a violin for men
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.