[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
🤭😂
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”