[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
in 3 months
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.