Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

What a year we’ve had this week.

Me when I try to be useful

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.