Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.