Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
You Might Also Like
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.