walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”