Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Sharon, call the vet

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR