*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
set yourself free xox
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that