Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees