*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
You Might Also Like
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.