Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down