Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.